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Happiness…where did you go?

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happinesswheredidyougo

(Warning, this is an honest, blunt post!)

I am not happy.  There I said it.  I said it out loud.  I said it to my husband.  I said it with tears streaming down my face and telling him I am not happy.  I love my kids, I love my husband, I love my God, but I have lost all the passion and drive that I have that makes me…me.  I lost my happiness.  I couldn’t tell you when/where I lost it.  But I did.  The craziest part, is that I am so blessed.  Beyond blessed.  Yet the happiness I am talking about has nothing to do with my circumstances.  I am missing me and the happy person I used to be.

I have heard from so many Christian circles that I shouldn’t be happy, it isn’t my circumstances, it is Jesus dying on the cross and I am to live my life sacrificially for him.  Always putting myself last, serving others, and just being a homeschool homemaker.  It made my heart so sad to hear that.  We all have amazing gifts and talents.  Things that we do that make us smile, things that we do that bring us happiness.

I am reading a book right now and it talks about the importance of having a purpose.  I had to close the book because I couldn’t even tell you my purpose outside of being a homeschool mom.  I sat there, staring at the word…PURPOSE.  For me, having goals, a purpose and things that make me happy, those are what make me who I am.

Some will read this and think, that your purpose is serving God through serving your family and raising your girls.  I agree, but what about how God made me.  All the quirky things that make me…me.  My love for coffee, desserts and all foods.  My passion for working out and being fit.  My passion for dating my husband and kissing him all the time.  (Sorry honey).

I have put aside all the things that make me who I am because I have been listening to so many Christian circles.  So many women, all who have their own opinions.  But let me tell you, if you are doing what I am doing and trying to be someone you are not…it is time to let it go!  I am not happy, I was trying to do all the right things but I think I ended up doing the wrong things.  In the process all those great quirky things that make up me…  I am now stuck trying to shovel out from under all the crap.  Seriously!

I miss me.  I really do.  When I met my husband, I was working out, running and had short hair dyed 3 colors.  Yup, I was sassy and sexy!  I loved it.  Life was always half full, I laughed, lived and loved passionately.  I can remember when I met my husband and the smell of his cologne permeating the air.  How he smiled, how he looked.  When he asked me out and I had to turn him down because I was dating someone else.  But I did decide to get to know him better and boy did we get to know each other. **wink wink**  He stole my heart.  I remember our first kiss, I remember saying I do, the passion I felt giving birth and being a mama.  I can remember all these feelings, and the person that I was and I want that back.  (But not the short hair dyed 3 colors).

Why can’t I be a runner, sexy, sassy, homeschool mama of 6 with laughter permeating the air, with my passions being exuded?  I am not looking to throw out my responsibilities…though sometimes I wish I had a tutor and cleaning person.  :)  I am looking to round out my life by showing my girls and others the things that make me happy, being who God made me and celebrate it!

I am on a journey and I am getting myself back!  I am in the process of finding things that make me happy.  I don’t devote much time to me and what I love, so this is going to be a process of remembering.  I am so thankful for an amazing husband who is uber supportive, no matter what I do.

I am sure that this post will resonate with some and others will tell me to suck it up.  Wherever you are in your journey I hope that you will be true to who God made you and let your passion shine, because our kids, they need to see that.  I know that.  They need to see our passions and how we use them to serve our God.  Tell me things that make you happy in the comments, I am hoping that it will help me to remember the me that I lost and find my happiness again.

What are some things you take the time to do?  What makes you happy?

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